


Armani in the Batmobile

by Vampowerment



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Banter, Batmobile (DCU), M/M, Misunderstandings, Resolved Anger, Ride to Arkham
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:00:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23675764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vampowerment/pseuds/Vampowerment
Summary: The backseat is beneath him--especially after he called shotgun--but the sheer amount of designer suits back there with him is hilarious, almost worth Batman's anger.
Relationships: Joker (DCU)/Bruce Wayne
Comments: 5
Kudos: 110





	Armani in the Batmobile

“Hey! I called shotgun!” Joker exclaims as Batman uses his free hand to open the back right door of the batmobile. “Why are you shoving me back here? Jesus, Bats, I must have really pissed you off this time.” Batman’s silence continues as he shoves The Joker into the seat and fastens the seat belt. “This feels like a kid’s harness! I bet only the bird rides back here!” Batman slams the back door in his face and walks around the car to get to the driver’s seat. “It is really funny that you care about the kid enough to build him an extra safe seat belt but not enough to stop him from jumping off buildings in a leotard.” Joker sees his scowl in the rear-view mirror. “Hey! I’m not trying to tell you how to parent, my dear, but you have to see the irony there!” He starts to cackle, but the quick movement makes the seat belt lock on him. “Ugh…” He groans and his head drops down. “There’s a lot of clothes on the floor back here, don’t you have some kind of bat-ler to clean up after you?” He laughs and Batman stiffens, but doesn’t break his silence. Joker stretches his cuffed hands forward as much as he can with the seat belt restricting his movement and manages to grab a suit jacket. “Armani? You leave  _ Armani  _ crumpled up in your backseat? Seriously?”

“Stop poking through my things, Joker.” Batman says darkly.

“And THAT’S what gets you talking! Batsy baby, I assumed that you’re obscenely rich, but I assumed you had CLASS. Honestly, darling, this seems beneath you. I think I see the Valentino logo on one over there, and the classy print on that one has got to be by Gucci. You really need to take better care of your things.” Batman glares through the rear-view mirror again, silent.

“Ok! I get you’re mad at me and I’m making it worse, but I wouldn’t have seen--” he looks around for another brand, “Ok, I don’t like Brooke’s Brothers, that one can stay crumpled up, but I wouldn’t have seen any of them if you didn’t throw me back here after I CALLED SHOTGUN. I bet you aren’t even going to pick me up a happy meal on the way to Arkham.” 

“Hm.” Batman grunts, eyes staying on the road.

“I can’t even apologize if you don’t talk to me! Like, ok, I don’t actually know if I’m sorry or not because I don’t know what I did, but that would change if you said  _ anything  _ to me. We can work through this, Batsy baby, don’t shut me out.” 

“Joker.” Batman says simply, in a stern voice.

“No, I’m not going to drop it because it’s clearly bothering you. I don’t want to go to Arkham on bad terms, it’d make our first encounter after my escape sooo awkward, and I know I won’t want that energy in my life as a newly free man!”

“You’re going to stay in Arkham.”

“Ok, now you know that isn’t true.” 

“Hm.”

“Stop sulking! Your dark brooding thing is cute and all when you’re looking over the city from a gargoyle or something, but right now it’s just us alone in your car. You know you can relax around me.” 

“Joker, you’re a psychopathic clown who put the lives of children at risk tonight.”

“Oh so THAT’S what it’s about! You just want me to leave children out of it? Is that somehow important to you and Robin? Where is he, by the way, is it past his bedtime? Though, of course, that doesn’t normally stop you. Also, I know you know psychopath is an outdated, offensive term that doesn’t even mean anything. I don’t really care myself, definitely not the worst I’ve been called, but I’ve heard you scold other people for calling me that. Your anger is making you a hypocrite, dear.” Batman stays silent. “Oh come ON, we were getting somewhere!”

“I am not going to take criticism of my parenting seriously from someone like you.” 

“Oh, someone like me? You mean can’t take a mentally ill person who dresses up and plays a grand game of good and evil across Gotham seriously? Try looking in the mirror! And look at tonight’s mortality rate! That field trip group was completely safe! Almost like I knew you could handle it!”

“Excuse me?” Bats turns right and Joker realizes at once that he’s taking the long way to Arkham. He starts laughing harder and harder until the seat belt tightens on him again. “Explain.”

“It seems I’ve done most of the talking tonight, and being in the backseat and all is starting to get uncomfortable, so I might have to stop unless something changes that…” He looks up to make eye contact with Batman through the rear-view mirror, a gleam in his eye. Batman slows the batmobile and pushes a button, releasing Joker’s seat belt, and another lowering the back of the passenger seat. Joker climbs over the best he can with handcuffs on, and with another button press, the back of the seat snaps forward again and the seat belt locks in front of him. He looks to Batman next to him with a genuine smile. 

“Happy?” Batman asks, pointedly keeping his eyes straight ahead. 

“Much better.” Joker says with a sigh. A much lighter silence hangs in the air for a moment.

“If I didn’t let Robin patrol with me, he would patrol alone.” Batman says softly. They both let his words hang in the air for a moment before he continues. “He.. didn't originally know I was Batman. He snuck out on his own in an outfit he’d made from his own closet, one without any padding. Without any training or equipment, he snuck out and found me on patrol. The kid is acrobatic, but he can’t fly, and he figured that out quick. He was lucky I was there for him. I told him to watch it, that the city didn’t need a kid risking his life, that I had everything covered, but he snuck out again.” Batman pauses before continuing, “I don’t want to imagine what would have happened if I didn’t find him. I realized I couldn’t stop him from being Robin, I could just make sure I was always there to keep him safe.”

“I’m sorry.” Joker said softly after a while. He can’t remember another time he’d said that and meant it. He can’t remember most things, but he still knows it’s been an incredibly long time.

“I forgive you.” Batman replied, surprised at his own sincerity. “You knew I would save those kids?”

“Look, I hate to admit this, but the whole thing was a bluff. I didn’t check the museum calendar and had no idea some elementary school class was spending the night there until after I was in the building with enough goons and equipment that I needed to keep going. I got them tied up above the shark exhibit, and claimed I had planned it from the start, knowing it would distract you, but really the blood in the water was mine and I didn’t have time to set up the right kind of timed pulley mechanism.”

“I didn’t know you were the type to care about kids.”

“Oh, I don’t. I wouldn’t have felt anything if the rope snapped and they all got eaten, I just wouldn’t have found it especially funny.” He pauses, Batman doesn’t reply. “My dear, I need to set myself some limits if I want any acceleration. I’m all for starting with a bang, but I can’t jump the shark too early on, so to speak.” He starts laughing, but Batman doesn’t seem amused. “Look, I don’t want to rush things. We’re still on season one of our relationship, and I don’t want to spoil it or push you too far. I’m a romantic like that, I suppose. Sure, maybe someday I’ll dangle an elementary school class over a shark tank on purpose, I won’t cross out the possibility of anything, but we haven’t gotten that gritty yet. Keeping it light is still fulfilling enough, we can bring out the darker stuff when we leave our new relationship phase and need to spice things up again.”

“You’re really insufferable.” Batman says, but Joker can see a slight smile tugging the corner of his lips. 

“Oh you don’t mean that, darling.” Joker replies with a genuine, soft smile, turning ahead to stare at the road. 

Batman’s silence speaks for itself.

“Now, not to bring this back up, but by the time I leave Arkham you better have cleaned up your backseat. You drive criminals around, for god’s sake, we steal things and those are incredibly expensive suits! I assume some are bespoke, too, which would make it easy for someone who cares to track down your identity! It’s really sloppy, Bats, beneath you. Now I ASSUME you change into your batsuit in the car and that’s why they’re there, but honestly there’s a lot a man can think when your backseat is filled with very clearly worn clothes. Not in a bad way, mind you, but from that one suit jacket I was able to figure out what cologne and deodorant you wear, while the batsuit gives nothing away. It smells good, by the way, suits you, but-”

“Joker.” Batman says sternly.

“Yes, darling?”

“Please shut up.”


End file.
